


If Only

by Vampgirl79



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Lemon, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-31 17:24:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampgirl79/pseuds/Vampgirl79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><a href="https://imageshack.com/i/jtki6uj"></a><img/><br/> </p><p>"Come over, I need you. Now." As always, I go to her. Except this time it may be the last. I love her deeply, but I don't know if I can do this anymore. Each goodbye is harder than the last one. I want more than just being hers behind closed doors. If only we could truly be together; if only we were meant to be.<br/>All-Human/OOC  *EPOV*<br/>Rated Explicit for language and lemons</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dream That Will Never Come True

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Hi there, *waves* First, thanks for giving this story a try, I really appreciate it! Next, for those of you who are my regular readers and are wondering: what about her other stories, when will she finally update those? The answers to those questions are on my profile :) Just so you know though, I wrote this story a couple of months ago and its about completed. So, the good news is you wont have to wait long for updates! This is a mini story of sorts. It will be the most about 7 chapters long. Okay, I don't want to keep your time from reading, so here we go! I will chat with you more at the bottom ;)
> 
> **Disclaimer: All things Twilight are the lovely Stephenie Meyer's. However, all characterizations and plot for this story are mine! L.K. 2013
> 
> **My beta is the great Serenshadow! We have been a team for about 3 years now and I am so grateful for your friendship and endless support!
> 
> ***Please READ this warning before you continue on!*** This story contains the subject of infidelity. If you are NOT comfortable reading about it, then I am kindly suggesting you exit now! I am NOT forcing you to read this. For those of you are willing to give this a shot, enjoy!

**If Only**

**Chapter One: The Dream That Will Never Come True  
**

  *** "To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness." –Robert Brault ***  


****EPOV****

I'm in heaven.

It doesn't get any better than this moment, waking up next to the love of my life.

Her warm body snuggled up against mine as her long, silky tresses tickle my chest.

God, she is radiant, beautiful, and mine.

Pulling her tighter to me, I lower my head and place a light kiss on her temple. She quivers in my arms and releases a shuddering breath.

"Good morning," I whisper and kiss the side of her neck tenderly.

I rub my now hard length on her backside and she moans lustfully, and then slams her hips on mine.

Fuck, my cock is throbbing and aching for her. All I have to do is remove her panties and slide right inside her. My dick twitches with the thought and I press it repeatedly against her covered ass.

"Mmm, baby. Yes! I mean…no, no! I'm not awake enough yet." She grumbles breathlessly and attempts to shift away from me.

I laugh and shake my head, amused. "Not awake enough, huh? Then why are you responding to me?"

Slowly, I slide my hands underneath her shirt and fondle her bare breasts. Her nipples harden, instantly reacting to my caress and she groans in pleasure.

"Oh, Edward, you have no idea what you do to me."

I smile against her cheek and playfully tug at her nipples with my fingers. "Oh, I think I have a good idea, beautiful."

As I cup and squeeze her perfect tits, I place light kisses across her shoulder. God, I love the soft feel and sweet taste of her skin.

Impatiently, I slip off her panties and remove my boxers. Again, she purposely presses her rear against my cock and pants under her breath, "Take me. Now, Eddie. I need you inside me."

"You mean like this?" I murmur in her ear and slowly insert my length inside her soaked walls.

Fuck, she's so wet and so incredibly warm!

"Oh, God…yes! Just like that but go faster and deeper."

So, my very gorgeous wife wants it rough this morning, does she? Well, I'll be more than happy to honor her request.

Suddenly, our bedroom door flings wide open and we freeze in place. Oh, shit!

Quickly, Bella and I sit up and compose ourselves as our beautiful daughter races to our bed. Thank the lord we're covered with a blanket!

Sheepishly, Bella flattens her bed hair with her hands and grins happily at our bronze haired princess.

"Good morning sweetheart, what are you doing up so early?"

Our little angel rolls her big brown eyes and giggles. "Mommy, it's not early. It's after eight o' clock."

I snort in disbelief and lie my head down on the pillow. "It's early enough princess. By the way, didn't mommy and daddy tell you several times to knock on the door first before you enter?"

Bella glares at me disdainfully and narrows her eyes. "Edward, come on now. Don't worry sweetie, its fine. We were up anyway. Now climb on."

She pats the space between us and our angel leaps on the bed, crawls over Bella, and then settles right beside us.

She turns to face me and says in her adorable, sweet voice, "Good morning daddy. Are you mad at me?"

Mad? Why would I be upset that she just interrupted daddy and mommy time?

My disappointment melts away when my daughter gazes at me worriedly with her pretty eyes.

"Of course, I'm not upset Lizzie. You always make mommy and daddy so very happy."

"Yes, you do angel." Bella agrees and kisses the top of Elizabeth's head.

"I love you mommy and daddy." Lizzie says, planting a big, sloppy kiss on both mine and Bella's cheeks.

Then she starts bouncing up and down on the bed with an eager look on her face. "I'm hungry, what's for breakfast?"

Bella and I chuckle. "Hmm, that's a good question, what should we have for breakfast?"

I wink at Bella and discreetly reach for the pillow behind me. Shaking her head, Bella tries to keep a straight face as I aim the pillow close to Lizzie.

"Oh, I know…how about a big helping of pillow?"

"Huh, daddy? Oh no!" Lizzie shrieks with delight and pretends to shield herself as I prepare to strike.

Gently, I bop her head and before long, all of us are having a pillow and tickling war. My heart fills with joy as I watch the two great loves of my existence having the time of their life.

Then, they disappear.

My eyes pry open and I find myself lying next to a completely different woman. Her quiet snores fill the room as she twists her back to me.

It's not her. It never is.

Disappointed, I sigh sorrowfully and glance up at the ceiling.

It was just a dream.

The same one I have nearly every night.

That beautiful, precious dream is a heartbreaking reminder of the life I will never have with the woman who has my heart and forever will.

****IO****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hello again! So... what do you think? Yes, I realize this was such a tease of a chapter and it was really short. My apologies. This story was originally going to be a one-shot but due to it's length I figured it would be best to divide it up into chapters. As I mentioned, this story is completed. Well, technically, but I am still tweaking some of the chapters before I send it to my beta, haa. So guess what? The next chapter is edited and ready to go. I will wait a few short days, then I'll post it. Once again, I feel I should remind that this story is about infidelity and it will be angsty too! Good news though, there will be some hot times :) I hope some of you will continue to give this story a try because I promise the bumpy ride will be worth it! Oh and this entire story is in Edward's pov. Alright, that is it for now. I'm looking forward to reading some reviews. I respond to each one, unless you sign in as guest.
> 
> If you like to, you can follow me on Twitter: Vampgirl792011. I am also on FB: Vampgirl79 Fanfiction, its a fanpage. I have a FB group as well titled Vampgirl79 Fanfiction. I would love it if you add me, I truly do enjoy interacting with my readers! Oh and just in case with all the story removing FF is doing, if by chance this one is pulled I am on FictionPad, TWCS and A03 all under the name Vampgirl79. Till next time, thank you for reading! XO


	2. Temptation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi sweeties! Finally, another If Only update! I bet the wait seemed forever, right? LOL. Anyhow, sorry for the short delay. I would have posted this on Wednesday and that would have been exactly a week since I posted chapter one. However, after glancing at this chapter, and checking the word count, I realized it was too short and vague. Thankfully, my brain stormed up some ideas and I threw in a different beginning to the chapter to make it longer :) Anyhow, hope the small wait will be worth it! I am a little nervous about this chapter. Okay, quickly, before you all read on, I just wanted to thank those of you who reviewed the first chapter, adding this fic to your favorites, following it, and for giving it a chance! I was so overwhelmed by the response to the first chapter alone. Thank you! Alright, let's get going here. I'll chat with you more at the end :)
> 
> ***Disclaimer: All things Twilight are the brilliant Stephenie Meyer's, I am eternally grateful she allows us to have fun with her characters!
> 
> ***My beta is the fantastic Serenshadow! She deserves love from all of you too because she make my words flow real pretty :) Thank you babes so very much for everything!
> 
> ***PLEASE READ this warning before you continue reading! This story contains the subject of infidelity. If you are NOT comfortable reading about it, then I am kindly suggesting you exit now! I am NOT forcing you to read this. ***

**If Only**

**Chapter Two: Temptation**

 

***"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it." -Oscar Wilde***

****EPOV****

12:25 p.m.

My cell rings incessantly just as I'm about to take another bite of my sandwich. Annoyed, I drop my lunch down in the container and pick up the phone off the desk. I steal a glance at the name and picture flashing on the screen and smile half-heartedly.

"Hey Iri," I greet, staring at the open file on my laptop screen.

"Hi handsome," My girlfriend's cheerful voice fills my ear. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

I hear the roaring of an engine on her end of the line. Hmm, I wonder where Irina is heading. Maybe she is going to grab a bite to eat or heading back to her job after her lunch break.

I spin around in my seat and gaze out the window, watching as light sheets of rain hit the glass. "No, not at all. Your timing is perfect, I need a distraction."

It's been a long ass day already and I'm only half way through it. Five-thirty can't arrive soon enough.

"Oh baby, what's the matter? Are you having a rough day?"

I chuckle humorlessly, lean back against the chair, and rub my forehead gently. Damn, I feel a headache coming; better take some ibuprofen for it soon. "Yeah, you can say that. It's been non-stop since I walked in the door this morning."

"Sorry to hear that," Irina sounds bored but then quickly her voice perks up. "But, on the bright side Ed, tonight will take your mind off things. I can't wait!"

She clears her throat purposely and her tone grows stern. "You do remember our plans for this evening, don't you? The reservations are set, right?"

What reservations? Oh, shit, tonight! I completely forgot! A couple of weeks ago, I made reservations for us to dine at the SkyCity Restaurant, Irina's favorite, for this evening. I'm treating her to a special night out on the town in honor of her earning a big promotion at her job. It's my way of congratulating her and making it up to her. She deserves a wonderful time out for working her ass off and for being a good, faithful girlfriend.

I want to try harder being the man she's worthy of. However, unfortunately, I'll never be that man, because I'm a lying, unfaithful bastard. I shake my head fiercely and stare at the picture of us sitting on top of my desk. I can do this and I will. This evening will be about Irina and her happiness.

"Edward?" Irina's anxious, raised voice breaks me out of my thoughts.

"Yes, of course I remember, Iri. How could I forget? Tonight is your special night. The reservation is for a party of two at 8:30." I try sounding enthusiastic but fail miserably.

Fortunately, Irina didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, perfect! Thank you Ed so much! I'm really looking forward to it. I mean, when was the last time you and I had a date night?"

"Far too long." I lower my head and shake it remorsefully.

"Exactly, this is just what we need babe."

I swallow hard, struggling to ignore the burning ache in my chest. She is over the moon about our plans, so I have to make sure our night will be a memorable one for her. I won't let her down.

Changing the subject, I ask, "It sounds like you're out and about. Are you heading somewhere to eat?"

"Actually, I just finished having lunch with the girls and now I'm heading to the mall to pick out something special to wear for tonight."

She just had to say that, didn't she? I don't want her making such a fuss over this dinner; it makes me feel even more guilty and shitty than I already do.

Faking a smile, I assure her, "Iri, that isn't necessary. You have plenty of lovely things to wear. You don't have to go through the trouble to buy-"

Irina's giggle's cut me short and she tsks under her breath. "Oh Eddie, you know me better than that. Appearance is everything to me. I want to look sensational for you."

I roll my eyes and suppress a groan. Though Irina has her good qualities, she also has some flaws as well; such as being obsessed with her looks. She spends more time prepping in the bathroom than most women and has a wardrobe that takes up an entire closet. Irina wasn't always this way though.

"Honey," I say and turn on the charm by complementing, "You always look sensational."

Irina sighs softly and murmurs, "Oh, Ed, flattery may get you somewhere later tonight."

I cringe over her suggestive comment and a surge of worry and shame hits me. It has been quite awhile since we had sex. Well, I did promise I would make this an incredible evening for her. No, we're only going to have dinner and maybe go dancing afterwards. God, I am such a fucking asshole for thinking of ways to get out of having sex with my girlfriend.

I clear my throat and mutter, "I sure hope it does, honey. Well, Iri, sorry to cut this short but I still have a ton of work to do-"

"No problem, I understand. I just arrived at the mall anyway. You will finish work on time, right?"

The hopefulness in her voice makes my heart sink. Sadly, over the years, she's grown used to the long hours I spend in the office.

"I will, don't worry. I won't let you down, Irina."

Oh, the irony of what I said.

I already have let her down, countless times before, she just isn't aware of it.

 

*****IO*****

A moment later, I'm off the phone and chewing down the rest of my lunch. Once I finish, I try reading the rest of a report I started before taking my break. Ten minutes pass and my eyes grow weary. I rub them roughly with the back of my hands, forcing myself to wake up. Then I glance at my cell that's lying right beside my laptop. Slowly, I pick it up and navigate the menu. My finger touches the icon labeled  **Private: For Work**  and I wait for it to open. I click again; choose the file titled  **B** and I smile as several images and a few video files pop up on the screen **.**

With my heart trapped in my throat, I choose the first photo and stare at it longingly. God, she is breathtaking. Her pretty, kind brown eyes look back at me as I lightly caress her face on the screen with my fingertips. I will never forget the day I took this picture. It was during our trip together to the Florida Keys in Spring Break of 2005. We were in our sophomore year of college and attending separate schools. Maintaining a long distance relationship was difficult and heart breaking at times but it made us stronger, for a while.

Until we fell apart.

I swallow thickly, forcing back the wetness that's stinging the corners of my eyes. Solemnly, I click off the photo and then hastily scroll through the rest of the album. A video file catches my eye and I touch the icon, opening it. My chest then tightens and my heart rapidly pounds as the movie starts to play.

"Hey baby," I say to Bella from behind the camera. "What ride are we heading to next?"

Oh, I remember this like it happened yesterday. I took this movie of Bella and me when we visited Disney World years ago. We, along with many of our fellow Forks High School classmates, went there for vacation after graduation. The mini trip was a present that the parents all chipped in on for us completing high school.

Bella turns around and grins happily at me. "We're going on 'It's a Small World'! I can't wait, this ride sounds so adorable!"

I hear myself snorting from behind the camera and it rattles a bit as I'm trying to keep up with Bella. "Adorable? What's so adorable about a bunch of creepy ass dolls singing?"

Shaking her head in disapproval, Bella playfully swats my arm. "They're not creepy, Cullen. They're cute! Come on, it'll be fun. Hey, you may even like it."

I laugh and the camera suddenly zooms in on her shapely, long legs. "Oh I doubt it, Bell. The only way it would be fun for me is if you cop a feel when no one is looking."

Bella rolls her eyes and frowns in disgust. "Spoken like a true, horny 18 year old boy."

"Well, I am a horny 18 year old, but I'm certainly not a boy." I shot back suggestively, then spin the camera around and I find myself looking at a younger version of me.

"Take my word for it ladies and gents, this beautiful girl of mine just can't control herself when she's alone with me."

I point the camera to Bella again and she's glaring at me heatedly with her hands on her hips. Christ, she's fucking sexy when she's irritated!

"That's it, movie is over, Cullen!" She saunters towards me and attempts to snatch the camera off my hands. "You lost your privileges to use this."

I chuckle uproariously and tease her with the camera, pretending to hand it back to her, only to take it away.

I press the stop button just as the movie nearly ends. I can't…I just can't bring myself to watch anymore. The memories are too much.

I sigh deeply, exit the 'Bella' album, and then open my saved incoming text messages. I find the most recent one she sent me about three weeks ago and begin reading our conversation.

_B: Hey Cullen, just dropping you a text to let you know how much I miss you. Xo, B_

_EC: Hi beautiful, I was just thinking about you! Well, as always. Anyway, I miss you too, very much. How's things?_

_B: Aww, its great being missed ;) And I'm okay, same 'ol, same 'ol. You know working, more working and staying busy, lol._

_EC: Yeah, I hear you. That's my routine as well. I wish I had more free time on my hands so that I can see your beautiful face._

_B: I wish we could see each other more often too. I miss you like crazy, all the time._

_EC: So do I baby, so do I._

_B: I always think about us, about you. I think about the way you kiss me and about how your hands feel on my body._

_EC: Bella, baby... God, I miss being with you. I miss being buried deep inside you._

_B: Me too, Eddie. I'm all alone right now and wishing you were here with me. I need you._

I pull my eyes away from the screen and suck in a deep breath. Shit, I'm becoming aroused from reading these! I have to stop. I can't think about her, not today. The urge to shoot Bella a text is beyond tempting so I need to get back to work and keep busy for the remainder of the afternoon.

All of a sudden, a loud knocking makes me flinch and I glare at my office door in agitation.

"Come in!" I bellow in a clipped tone.

The door opens halfway and my assistant Heidi timidly peeks her head in. "Mr. Cullen, the staff meeting is about to start in five minutes."

Dammit, that's right! The meeting, it totally slipped my mind.  _Yeah, all because of a certain brown-haired woman you're obsessed with!_

I inhale sharply and nod my head. "Ah, great, thank you Heidi. I'll be right there."

I give her a polite, gracious smile and she blushes, and then grins back. "You're welcome, Mr. Cullen."

She shuts the door quietly and I run my hands through my hair in frustration. Well, I do need a distraction.

Hastily, I stand up, readjust my necktie, and walk towards the door, leaving thoughts of Bella Swan-Biers behind.

*****IO*****

6:45 p.m.

Buzz, buzz!

My phone is vibrating repeatedly inside my pants pocket as I'm driving through the hectic streets of downtown Seattle.

It's her calling… I just know it.

Buzz, buzz!

Goddamn her! I can't do this with her, not tonight. I shouldn't answer it. I refuse to.

_Yeah, that's what you said the last time. You always answer every time she calls and you always drop everything when she demands to see you._

Every time.

Well, not this time.

Buzz, buzz!

Fuck, why did the light just have to turn red? It will only tempt me to…

_No, don't you dare answer it!_

My hands tremble and my heart hammers against my chest as I pull my phone out. I stare at her picture for a good long minute and debate whether to take the call.

_You know you want to. Answer it!_

My heart beats faster as I press the key for speakerphone and then hit accept. "Hi beautiful." I greet anxiously and place the cell down on the center console. "What a nice surprise to hear from-"

"Hey," she interrupts in an urgent breathless voice. "Where are you? Are you still at work?"

"Well, hello to you too."

As usual, she's straight to the point. She knows what she wants after all…me.

I clear my throat; press hard on the gas and the car motions rapidly ahead. "I just left the office, actually. I'm on Pike Street and heading home, why?"

Why did I even ask her that? I already know why she called.

"I need you to come over, now."

God, her voice is so fucking beautiful!

No, no, no! I have to stick to my guns this time. I have to say no this time, that's it.

"I can't. I have to be home tonight. I made plans with her-"

"For what time?" She sounds indifferent. I can't stand the way she treats our relationship sometimes as if we're a damn business transaction.

"Eight-thirty. Listen, I really can't stop by tonight. Or the next time you ask, or-"

She chuckles, her soft voice vibrating my ear and sending a pleasant shiver down my spine.

I can't allow her to get to me. I won't give in!

"That's what you said the last time and the time before."

Why that smug, irritating brat! She's right though.

"Well, I mean it this time, Bella. I'm not coming over. I won't let her down."

God, I sound pathetic. I am pathetic and a no good, lying piece of shit!

She scoffs and I envision those pretty lips of hers smirking on the other end of the line.

"It isn't like you haven't disappointed her before. Stop thinking and just act. Give in. I'm waiting for you." She murmurs in such a sensual tone, I instantly harden.

Fuck, why does she do this to me? Why do I fucking let her?

_You love her, irrevocably, that's why. And she loves you just as much._

Yes, she does. However, not enough to choose me and leave him. That's all I ever wanted. If she told me tomorrow, she was finally ready to be with me, I would take her in a heartbeat without thinking twice.

A tinge of remorse strikes my heart and I shove those feelings aside. I can't think about Irina right now. If I do, I'll end the call and head straight home to her, as I should.

One more time, I try to refuse Bella's very tempting invite. "Sorry to break it to you but you'll be waiting all night, because I'm not coming."

I turn the car around and drive on the street that leads directly to her place. Shit, I'm such a fucking weak idiot!

"Yes, you will. You always do."

Dammit, once again she's right. I just can't stay away, it's impossible.

Like a moth to a flame.

"Bella, no, I can't-"

"I'll see you soon." She purrs and then the line disconnects.

...

 

*****IO*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: *Ducks behind my office chair* Yeah, I know...Oh Edward, Edward. *shakes head* I am sure you weren't expecting this after reading chapter one. So, I am curious...how many of you feel sorry for him now? I did warn you all, haa. Even though it's wrong, very wrong, what him and Bella are doing, all I can say is they love each other. Some of you might understand a bit more once more is revealed in other chapters. Some of you may not understand and that's okay. But, please just go easy on me, alright? There will be no hard feelings from me if you choose to move on and no longer want to read this. I hope though, the majority of you will stick with me and these two on their emotional journey! So, anyhow, *takes a deep breath* I have a question, do you all enjoy sexy times? Of course you do, hee. Guess what, the next chapter will have some!
> 
> Okay, no more spoilers out of me :)
> 
> Alright, that is it for now. Thanks so much for reading! Chapter 3 is all ready, I swear! Its edited and ready to post. But, I am going to give it a week. My plan is to hopefully post weekly with this story since its just about completed. So...hope to see you all back in a few days! Till then, reviews are love! And if you like, you can chat with me about my fics on Twitter, Im Vampgirl792011 on there. I'm on FB under Vampgirl79 Fanfiction, its a fan page. And I also have a group titled Vampgirl79 Fanfiction. Till next time lovelies, XO, Leslie


	3. Remembering The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hello my dear readers! *waves* I'm glad you are still here with me on this journey, it means a lot! Anyhow, my apologies for the little delay with the update. I hope the brief wait will be worth it. Before you read on, I thought I should let you know that the chapter you are about to read is a different version of chapter 3. The one that was going to be this chapter will be in the next one. I wrote this whole different chapter for you guys in a matter of a few days! You all were the inspiration for it after many of you had asked me about Edward and Bella's history together. I hope some of you will have a better understanding about their past after reading this. Okay, quickly I want to thank those of you who reviewed the last chapter and for adding this story to your alerts. I truly appreciate it! Alright, I'll let you all get to reading, chat with you more at the end :)
> 
> ***Disclaimer: You all know it's not mine but Stephenie Meyer's. All characterizations and plot for this fic are mine though! LK, 2013
> 
> ***My beta is Serenshadow, who helped me tremendously with this chapter, for real! Give her a round of applause for making my words flow nicely. Thank you bb!
> 
> ***PLEASE READ this warning before you continue reading! This story contains the subject of infidelity. If you are NOT comfortable reading about it, then I am kindly suggesting you exit now! I am NOT forcing you to read this. ***

**If Only**

**Chapter Three: Remembering The Past**

  
***** " **Lovers don't finally meet somewhere; they're in each other all along."-Rumi*  
**  


****EPOV****

During the remainder of the drive to Bella's, my mind wanders, lost in memories of the past.

Bella and I were high school sweethearts.

We met the middle of my tenth grade year when my family and I moved to Forks, Washington. My parents wanted to ditch the hectic city life for peaceful small town living. I wasn't particularly thrilled with the impact it would have on my teenage life. I loved living in Chicago; I had some great friends there and I was happy. The school I attended wasn't so bad either. Nevertheless, my parents insisted the change of scenery would do wonders for us all.

The moment I arrived in that tiny, rainy town, I hated it. I was certain I would be miserable living there and dreaded my first day at Forks High School. Surprisingly, it went well. I made some new friends, practically everyone in the entire school was curious to meet the "cool, good looking boy" from Chicago. The girls especially competed for my affections. However, there was only one girl who had captured both my eye and my heart.

Bella Swan.

We hit it off instantly and became the best of friends.

Time passed and I started developing strong feelings for her. How could I not? Bella was not only beautiful she was bright, kind, loving and had a great sense of humor. She made me so damn nervous every time I saw her. Whenever she was around my heart would race faster, my palms would sweat and my stomach would do somersaults. I wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I was worried that dating would affect our friendship. I had a feeling Bella had the same fears as well. I mean, her friend Angela had hinted at it when I came to her for advice regarding Bella.

The rest of my first year in Forks High went by and then summer arrived. It was one of the most memorable summers in my life. I spent all of my free moments with my friends and with Bella. Then, just like that, it was ruined. I found out Bella was dating the quarterback of the school's football team, Tyler Crowley. I was livid at Crowley for stealing the girl of my dreams and disappointed in Bella for agreeing to date him. I mean, shit, I thought she was into me!

I realized, after dwelling on it, I was angrier with myself. If I had just took a chance, revealed my feelings to Bella and asked her out then she wouldn't have agreed to be that asshole's girlfriend. Thankfully, their relationship was short lived. Bella caught Crowley fucking one of the cheerleaders in the backseat of his truck one day. Bella was devastated and of course, I was there to help mend the pieces of her broken heart after she dumped his sorry ass. Days later, she admitted to me that she was more humiliated over what Tyler did to her than sad and she never really felt anything for him to begin with.

I knew then that she most likely went out with Tyler to make me jealous, in hopes it would push me to make a move. So, I did. I finally gathered up the courage and admitted my feelings for her. She revealed her love for me too and from then on we dated exclusively.

Bella and I were Forks High's super couple. We were intensely in love and always seen together. The last two years of high school were perfect. I was walking on air, until Bella and I received acceptance letters from two different colleges.

We had discussed attending the University of Washington together; I had no idea that Bella had applied to a college in Florida. I didn't know she secretly wanted to move out of dreary Forks and live in sunny Florida with her mother, who moved there years prior after divorcing Bella's father. Apparently, Bella was bored with the small town life and missed her mother dearly. But, she also wanted to stay and be with me.

I was completely broken-hearted that Bella didn't bother to tell me her plans. I naively believed we shared the same dream. I thought we were going to experience college together.

Bella explained the reason she didn't fill me in about her possible move to Florida was that she didn't think she would get an acceptance letter. Yet, she did, and she had a difficult, painful decision to make. And so did I. I earned a full scholarship to attend the U of W, how could I pass up such a fantastic opportunity that was essential to my future? Bella received a full scholarship as well for the University of North Florida. We were utterly torn up over what to do, but in the end, we knew we had to do the right thing for ourselves.

So, I made the decision to give up my scholarship, move to Florida with Bella and go to the University of North Florida with her. I was shocked when Bella didn't approve of my idea. She told me there was no way she would let me give up that scholarship for her. I insisted that I wasn't only making that decision for her but for us, so that we could stay together. We argued and spilled tears over the subject many times and at one point, Bella suggested that she would stay in Washington and attend U of W with me. I was ecstatic over her plan; unfortunately, I couldn't allow her to go through with it.

I knew where she really wanted to be, in Florida. I couldn't be selfish. I loved her so much and though I didn't want us to be states apart, I wanted her to be happy. Therefore, we made the tough decision to attend both schools and have a long-distance relationship.

We wanted to savor that summer together before we parted ways, and we did. Bella and I spent every minute together possible and I treasured it dearly. Then, it was our time to say goodbye. Taking Bella to the airport that day was one of the most gut-wrenching moments of my entire life. I wanted to beg her to stay with me; I didn't want to let her go.

Instead, I watched the woman I love board the plane that would take her away from me.

We made many promises prior to the day she left for Florida. We promised to text and call each other every day. We promised our hearts would only belong to each other's always. So many promises made…

For a while those promises were kept.

Amazingly, we were strong and maintained a long distance relationship throughout the first year of college. We stuck to our word and kept in touch daily. When we had breaks from school, we visited each other as much as we could with the help of our parents who always paid for our flights. We made things work as best as possible. If anything, the distance and absence made our love grow deeper. Let's just say our passion in the bedroom was on fire every time we reunited and having phone sex often helped fulfill our needs.

Sophomore year of college arrived and things started to shift between us. There was less time to keep up with our daily phone calls, thanks to the amount of coursework our schools were throwing at us. We weren't able to visit each other as frequently during holiday vacations. But, somehow we managed. Our love and commitment to one another pulled us through. Or so I foolishly thought. After a while, it seemed I was the only one putting in the effort, keeping in contact with Bella daily. Normally, if she had missed my call, she would return it immediately. At the very least, she would always text me, several times a day even.

Then, all of a sudden, Bella just stopped. No daily texts, no daily phone calls, and she would take a week or more to respond back to me. Something wasn't right; I could feel it. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought that maybe she was just busy. I mean, school was kicking my ass too, the classes were becoming more challenging, and I spent most of my days studying in the library. Yet, I tried my hardest to stay in touch with Bella, to keep our relationship alive. So, why wasn't she putting in any effort all of a sudden? I found out my answer one late evening when she called me.

_"Hey beautiful," I answered with a huge grin on my face. "What a nice surprise, I was just thinking about-"_

_I stopped myself short as Bella quietly sniffed into my ear. My heart sank and filled with dread as Bella began to cry._

_"Bella? Bella, baby…what's the matter? Did something happen?"_

_Her silence scared the hell out of me. Anxious, I sat up in the bed and gripped my hair with my hands. "Bella? What's going on?"_

_She took a few deep breaths before she finally whispered, "I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm…"_

_She sniffed again and then her voice lowered so much I had to strain to listen. "I'm f-fine."_

_"Fine? You don't sound fine, Bella. Please tell me what's bothering you."_

_She exhaled sharply and cleared her throat. "I'm not sure how to say this…I-"_

_I sighed in frustration and snapped, "Why don't you start by explaining to me why you haven't returned my calls or texts? It's been a week, Bell, I was getting really concerned and-"_

_"I know, I know. I am so sorry, Eddie. So much has been happening..."_

_I waited for her to elaborate and when she didn't, I pried, "Such as?"_

_Bella breathed out and I struggled with keeping my patience in line. I just wish she would fucking tell me what was going on!_

_A torturous moment later, Bella finally spoke. "Well, I've been doing some thinking, about us."_

_She was quiet again and I nearly tossed my cell across the room. God, I love her, but shit, she was killing me!_

_"What about us?" I tried to be hopeful but what Bella said next, squashed those feelings completely._

_"I, I met someone."_

_Come again? Was it just my imagination or did those words spill out of her mouth?_

_"Wh-what do you mean you met someone...?"_

_"No, no, Eddie! It's not like that, I swear!" She assured, her voice laced with panic and guilt._

_"Then, what the hell is it like, Bella? You just said you met-"_

_"I know, sorry. That totally came out wrong."_

_I silently counted to three, trying to placate my nerves and the rapid beating of my heart. "So, then you didn't meet someone?"_

_I assumed this 'someone' was a guy and I was tempted to take the first available flight out to Florida and beat the shit out of him!_

_"What I meant was, I, um, have met lots of people recently." Bella muttered and I gritted my teeth together in irritation._

_"Bella, baby, you aren't making any sense and I would appreciate it if you would just tell me what's-"_

_"I need a break, Edward. We need some time to…I need some space."_

_My anger took over and before I knew it, I was yelling at her, "Space? We already have it, Bell! Thousands of fucking miles of it!"_

_Her sobs on the other end of the line snapped me out of my heated daze; I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, beautiful. Please, stop crying. We can talk this out, let's work through this."_

_"No, we can't Eddie!" Bella shouted and then blubbered loudly. "We can't go on like this anymore. I can't do this; the distance is…just too much."_

_"Don't you think that it is for me too? Every damn day I don't see you, Bella, fucking hurts. But, I keep going and I hold on to my faith in us. I won't throw in the towel, not ever."_

_"You can't say stuff like that, Edward. Don't." Bella's voice trembled and etched with such sorrow it ripped my heart to shreds._

_"Why not? I love you Bella and I'm not giving up on us. And neither should you!"_

_I felt awful for lashing out at her, but I had to try to knock some sense into her. We made promises. We agreed that no matter how hard things got we would get through it, together. Now, she wanted to throw everything we had away!_

_"I'm not giving up, Edward. I just need some time to think about us. Please, understand."_

_I swallowed down a painful lump that emerged in my throat as tears sprung in my eyes. "What is there to think about? How can you expect me to understand? Does this… have to do with that someone you met?"_

_"No, God no! Eddie, I swear nothing is going on-"_

_"Then why are you fucking breaking up with me?"_

_Shit, I didn't mean to sound like a whiny child but I was utterly confused. I didn't understand why she was doing this to me, to us._

_"I'm not," Bella murmured gently and sighed. "I just need some distance, for awhile. I'm sorry, so damn sorry. I love you, so much."_

_I threw my free hand up in midair and groaned. "Then why are you doing this? If you love me so much?"_

_"Eddie, please. You have no idea how hard this is on me-"_

_"And you have no idea how much this is killing me, baby! Don't do this."_

_How was I supposed to let her go? I had to remind myself that this was only temporary and that she would change her mind, she just had to._

We spoke for a few more minutes, shedding more tears as we said our good-byes. Then, I was alone, pissed off, and feeling sorry for myself. As everything fully sank in, I lost it. I practically destroyed my entire bedroom that night until I was spent. Luckily, my roommate and best friend Emmett wasn't around to witness my meltdown.

Hours later when the sun rose and I finally drifted away into unconsciousness, I prayed to God for Bella to find her way back to me.

*****IO*****

A week came and went and I hadn't heard from Bella. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed to not give her a call. I attempted to distract myself, concentrating on my studies during the day and partying hard with my friends at night. It helped ease my heartache, temporarily. Until late at night when I was in my room lying on my bed and thoughts of Bella haunted me. I missed her, so damn much. I missed kissing her, touching her, making love to her. I wondered if she missed me just the same. Was I on her mind as much as she was on mine? I wasn't sure how much longer I could withstand this break from her.

One day, after class ended, my cell vibrated in my pocket. Curious, I pulled it out and noticed I received one new text message. It was from Bella. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to think, I felt a whirlwind of emotions slam at me all at once. She said in the message that she would be in Forks that weekend visiting her father and some of her friends. She wanted to know if I could meet with her so that we could talk. I agreed to meet with her Saturday evening. I tried not stressing about her visit as the days passed. But I couldn't help but wonder what she wanted to discuss. I held on to a glimmer of hope that she still loved me and wanted to get back together with me. It had to work out for us, we were meant to be.

I made the long drive to Forks that weekend and I booked a room at a motel so Bella and I could have some privacy. We talked for several hours, we fought, and we cried. It turned out Bella wanted to make the separation a permanent thing. I couldn't believe it, she asked me for space just so that she break up with me a few days later. I was furious! However, my anger at her didn't last. I was relieved to see her after so long and I naively thought that maybe I could change her mind.

Exhausted, we both settled down on the uncomfortable bed and I held her tightly in my arms. Bella started to cry again and told me how sorry she was for hurting me. I cupped her beautiful face in my hands, looked deep in her eyes, and then kissed her passionately. Perhaps that was stupid of me, but I just had to show her how much I loved her and remind her how good we are for each other. Bella hesitated at first, refusing to kiss me back, but then she surrendered. Things grew heated very quickly and before long, I was making love to her until sunrise.

I had given her my heart and even though it was over between us, she would always have it. I knew that I would always be in hers. We meant too much to each other. Letting Bella go was the most heartbreaking, difficult thing I ever had to do. All I ever desired was her happiness and even though she deeply cared for me, I could tell she was miserable over the last few months. The separation was too overwhelming for her, and for us, to handle. Maybe Bella was right. I was in denial for so long even when the signs were right in front of me. I wished she hadn't given up though, I wished she held on for just a little longer. We only had another year or so of school to complete.

But, it was over, I lost the love of my existence; my world crashed around me.

*****IO*****

A year and a half later, I graduated from the University of Washington. I was so relieved it was over; the last few months of school were trying. The breakup with Bella had a massive affect on me. Most days I didn't sleep properly, I barely ate, and I shut out the people close to me. I had trouble staying focused on my course work and my grades were declining as a result. No matter how hard I tried not to, I always thought about Bella.

I was excited to start a new chapter of my life and see where destiny would bring me. To my surprise, everything quickly fell into place. I moved in a nice, modern apartment in downtown Seattle before landing a great job at a financial company shortly after. Soon, life became so hectic between working and socializing, Bella was less and less on my mind. From time to time though, I wondered about her. I wondered if she was content, if things were going well for her in Florida.

I found some of those answers one evening when Emmett and I were out at a bar having some beers. Emmett mentioned that he had talked to Alice, one of our friends, the other day and found out that Bella wasn't doing so well. She just barely passed her final year of college and was in a deep state of depression. Apparently, she wasn't happy living in Florida anymore.

Before I thought better of it, I asked Emmett why Bella didn't just move back to Forks to be near her father and friends. Emmett wasn't stupid; he knew exactly why I asked that question. He knew a part of me still held a small hope of being with her again.

Hearing about her struggles, ripped my heart. The urge to call her was strong. For a brief moment, I even considered booking a flight to Florida to be there for her.

Then I reminded myself that she was the one who ended things and I was no longer her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, I didn't hear any more news about Bella after that night.

Many months passed and things in my life couldn't get any better. All of my hard work had paid off at my job and I earned a promotion. My social life was going great as well, meeting with a certain circle of friends weekly and with my fellow colleagues some evenings after work. As full as my life was, Bella haunted my dreams. I still missed her and I felt lonely all the time.

Sure, I exchanged flirtations with many women and I even invited some of them into my bed. But, that was all. Nothing more, it couldn't be more. I wasn't sure whether I wanted another woman to replace Bella's spot in my heart. Deep down, I knew I had to move on. Any flicker of hope I had about us reuniting had slowly faded.

On one December evening, things took a surprising turn.

My work hosted a holiday party inside the Skyview Restaurant at the Space Needle and the night seemed to be dragging. I had a pleasant enough time at first, until Bella popped in my mind and my mood dampened. As my colleagues were having the time of their lives dancing and drinking, I was sitting all alone at the bar. As I was guzzling down another glass of vodka, a warm, soft hand touched my shoulder.

" _Mind if I join you? My feet are killing me." A woman chuckled quietly under her breath and I spun around in my seat to face her._

_My eyes landed on a gorgeous, tall blonde-haired woman with striking gray eyes and I was instantly captivated. I offered her a kind smile and gazed down at her feet covered in extremely sexy black heels._

" _I can see why you need to put your feet up. What are those, about ten inches?"_

_The woman laughed again and I liked the way her entire face lit up. "Um, well, you're sort of close. There seven inches."_

_She plopped down in the stool next to mine and extended out her hand for me to shake. "I'm Irina, Irina Denali."_

_I flashed a crooked grin and shook her hand. "I'm Edward Cullen, pleasure to meet you."_

_Irina smiled flirtatiously and winked, "Like wise."_

It turned out that Irina was a good friend of one my co-workers and they brought her to the party. As luck would have it, Irina was single and she seemed pleased that I was as well.

We spent the rest of the evening enjoying each other's company. We spoke non-stop for hours, danced, and later made out like horny teenagers in a secluded corridor. It definitely could have led to something more, but I was a gentleman and drove her home.

After sharing a goodnight kiss, we exchanged phone numbers and a week later, Irina and I were dating. I couldn't grasp how things were turning around for me. I had a great career, supportive friends, a loving family, and a wonderful girlfriend. I cared for Irina deeply, I mean, how could I not? Irina was intelligent, beautiful, and ambitious. She was good to me and made me genuinely happy.

Something I hadn't felt in a long, long time. The gaping hole in my chest finally healed and I rarely longed for Bella anymore.

But, fate had other plans, ones that would turn my universe upside down.

I was on my way back to work one spring afternoon after lunch at a nearby diner. The weather was nice that day for a change so I chose to walk to the restaurant instead of driving. I was strolling along the sidewalk, when a pair of familiar brown eyes met mine.

My heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second as I looked at the woman, immediately recognizing her.

It was Bella.

*****IO*****

A beeping noise forces me back to the present and I realize I'm driving down the street that leads to Bella's home. Hastily, I brake at the stop sign, and pick up my cell, noticing a new text alert from Bella.

_B: Hey, are you almost here?_

I take a deep breath and quickly text back.  _I'm real close, beautiful. See you in a minute._

Moments later, my heart races in anticipation as I'm drawn closer to her home.

*****IO*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: *Peeks out nervously* Still with me? Haa. Well, I admit, I am a bit nervous to read your thoughts about this chapter, due to the response I received for the last one. Some of you expressed your dislike for Edward and many for you expressed it for Bella. And then, there was those of you who were confused and wondered why and how their affair began. You will find that out soon enough! I realized I left you all at a cliffy there just when things were getting interesting, right? lol. Sorry about that. Anyway, if you ask me, I feel sort of bad for Edward, I cant help it. I mean in regards to his past and about what went down between him and Bella. Just remember, when it comes to Bella, there are two sides to every story. Unfortunately for Bella, you all wont be able to read hers. At least not yet. I am thinking once the story is completed, I would like to post some outtakes in her pov. But, Im not sure when I'll have the chance to write it. Hopefully, I'll get to soon. *crosses fingers* So, I know I mentioned there would be lemons in this chapter, sorry there wasn't That's in the next chapter for sure and things will get very interesting from here on out. If you aren't big on angst, you may want to stop reading from here on out, or just prepare yourself!
> 
> Alright, that's it for now. As always I thank you very much for taking time out of your busy lives to read my little story and maybe leave me a review too? I do reply to each one, unless you sign in as a guest. Just a reminder that I am on Twitter if you like to follow me, Vampgirl792011 is my username. I have a like page on FB titled Vampgirl79 Fanfiction and also a group on FB with the same name. I would love it if you joined so we can chat about my stories! Oh speaking of, my Turning Page readers, this news is for you: new chapter will be posted soon! Okay, I hope to see you all back in a week. Thanks for reading! Xo, Leslie


	4. Reuniting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hola sweeties, welcome back! Sorry for the little delay with updating. Things have been a bit busy with life. Also, I admit, I was slightly discouraged after reading some of the reviews I received from the last chapter. Wow, many of you don't like this Bella, lol. I can understand why though, but please try to keep an open mind for me, okay? Anyway, this chapter is sort of a filler one. But, it does contain some yummy sexy times! Hope you like, I'm afraid I'm rusty with my lemons. Alright, before you start reading, I want to thank you all for reading, following this story, and adding it to your favs. It means so much! Talk with you more at the end :)
> 
> ***Disclaimer: All things Twilight are Stephenie Meyer's! However, this stories plot and characterizations are mine! L.K. 2013
> 
> ***My beta is Serenshadow. All of my thanks for your awesome edits and for always supporting me!
> 
> ***Please READ this warning before you continue on! This story contains the subject of infidelity. If you are NOT comfortable reading about it, then I am kindly suggesting you exit now! I am NOT forcing you to read this. For those of you are willing to give this a shot, thank you!***

**If Only**

**Chapter 4: Reuniting**

***"We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there, too." –Kristin Martz***

****EPOV****

7:05 p.m.

I cut off the Volvo's engine and take a deep breath.

What am I doing here?

Gazing at her house timidly, I run my fingers through my hair.

I shouldn't do this… I shouldn't do this.

Irina is waiting for me. How can I do this to her?

_Well, it's not like this is the first time you've done this to her._

Unfortunately, that is true. Bella and I have been having an affair for nearly over a year now. But what Bella and I have runs deep.

We have a lengthy, complicated, and passionate history together.

I exhale sharply and try to placate my racing heart, but to no avail. It would be a bold-faced lie if I said I didn't want the beautiful woman behind that door.

I missed her so damn much and I need her desperately.

I take another moment to pull myself together and then get out of the car. My heart pounds frantically against my ribs and my stomach twists in knots with every step I take.

She flings the door open the second I knock. She probably heard me drive up.

"Hi," I say, flashing my crooked smile she adores.

Oh Christ, she is wearing that blue satin bathrobe I love! I'm dying to remove it from her luscious body already.

Bella slams the door closed behind me, locks it, and slips my jacket off. Well, someone is eager to get this show on the road!

"About time." She mutters, expertly removing my tie, tossing it on the floor right next to my coat.

"Sorry beautiful, there was a shit load of traffic and-"

"Shh, stop talking. You're going to kill the mood." She grumbles and starts unbuckling my belt.

I don't really mind her taking the lead, but something about her behavior is clearly off. Normally, she greets me with an embrace and then kisses me as if she hasn't seen me in practically a decade. Normally, she gazes lovingly in my eyes and tells me how much she missed me.

Taking my hand in hers, Bella leads the way to the living room. I avoid looking at her wall of various photographs and keep my eyes on her. Soon, I'm sitting on the sofa with my pants tangled around my ankles and she's on her knees as she reaches for my hard length. Bella strokes it slowly with her soft hand and I hiss between clenched teeth.

"Bella, baby…hold on."

Dismissing me, she leans forward and gently licks around the head. Fuck! What was I going to say? I can't focus when she is…

Her mouth slides over my dick, taking in every inch possible and slowly pulls back out.

"Mmm, you always taste so fucking good, Cullen. Every time." She smiles in satisfaction with a look of lust in her browns. God, her eyes are beautiful.

I didn't realize how much I missed her, until now. Even though the last time we saw each other was about two months ago, it felt more like a century. Being away from her is torture of the worst kind. However, the separation almost seems worth it because each reunion we have is better than the last one.

"Bella," I sigh as her mouth devours my now very solid, throbbing cock. "What's going on?"

Bella groans exasperatedly and releases my dick with a noisy plop. "What does it look like, Edward? I'm blowing you."

I roll my eyes and breathe out in pleasure as her tongue glides up and down my shaft. "I'm well aware you are. What I meant was…I was asking about you. What's up with you? You seem-"

"I'm fine, Eddie. What's with all the questions? You're being a real mood killer. Didn't you miss me?"

She settles herself on my lap and I groan as her covered pussy rubs against my length just right.

Oh, I'm in heaven!

"Of course, I did. I'm just concerned, are you sure you're alright?" I give her a concerned gaze, but she's too occupied kissing my neck to notice.

Bella then swings her hips back and forth; creating such mind-blowing friction, my dick swells. Goddamn, I need to be buried deep inside her, now!

She nods her head and places frantic kisses down my throat. "I'm better now that you're here. Now shut up and take me."

I couldn't agree with her more. Things are better now that we're finally reunited.

I take a good, long look at her and my heart pounds excitedly against my chest. Licking my lips, I swiftly untie her robe and slip it off her. Jesus, she's unbelievably sexy! The matching bra and panties set she is wearing really accentuates her gorgeous curves.

I moan quietly as Bella's silky tongue licks around the shell of my ear. "Baby, this looks extremely sexy on you."

Gently, I tug on her hard nipples that are poking against the fabric of her bra with my fingers. "But, I'm afraid it has to come off now."

Bella chuckles in my ear, pulls away, and locks her eyes with mine. "Fine with me, Cullen. And while you're at it, feel free to remove this too." She glances down at her blue lacy panties and smirks mischievously.

"It would be my pleasure," I mutter and with the flick of my wrist, I unhook her bra.

My eyes darken in lust as Bella slowly removes the fabric with a seductive look on her face. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, I pull her face close to mine and attack her soft, full lips. She whines heavily in my mouth and it urges me to kiss her deeper and rougher.

Fuck, I can't enough of her!

Her tongue begs for entrance and I part my lips more, tangling my tongue with hers frantically.

Moments later, our clothes are scattered on the floor and our skin is lightly covered in sweat as Bella rocks her hips back and forth, fucking me hard and swift.

God, she is breathtaking in her state of arousal. The way her lips part as she whimpers and the look of ecstasy on her face is magnificent.

"You're so beautiful baby." I whisper, placing open-mouthed kisses across her collarbone.

"I feel beautiful when I'm with you, and loved, so loved." She gasps and sways her hips rougher.

"Good, my love. Because you are, you mean everything to me."

Shit, if she doesn't slow things down I'll release much sooner than I want to.

My eyes lock on hers as I wrap my lips over her pink nipple and suck it hungrily. "I love your tits, baby. There's so perfect, beautiful…"

I flick out my tongue and gently taste her left nipple. "Mmm, you taste so fucking good, beautiful."

Bella slaps her body against mine faster, her hot pussy wonderfully covering my dick repeatedly. Damn, she's so fucking tight!

Matching her rhythm, I motion my hips quickly and push inside her as deep as I can.

"Oh, oh…oh, god! Yes, Edward! Fuck, oh fuck!" she cries out and begins slowing her pace.

Soon, I feel the familiar pull in my lower abdomen, my release fast approaching. No, not yet, I need to be inside her for just a little longer.

"Bella, look at me." I command in a soft, aroused tone. "I want to see those pretty eyes."

Her eyelids open and I stare intently into those lovely pools of brown. "You are so damn sexy, my Isabella."

A light blush spreads over her cheeks as she circles her arms around my neck and kisses my lips fervidly. I stroke her walls steady and smoothly and then Bella's entrance clamps hard around my cock. She shudders uncontrollably as a powerful climax washes over her.

"Oh god, yes! Oh, Eddie! So good, feels so damn good." Bella groans and releases a second time as I pump in and out of her savagely.

"That's it beautiful… God, I love you so much."

"Me too, more than anyone else ever will." She mutters, easing her rocking and then collapses on top of me.

My mouth curves into a playful smirk as I throw her a ravenous gaze. "Oh, we're not finished yet, sweetheart. Climb off me and bend over on that side of the couch."

Bella's eyes cloud with desire as she nods her head and carefully stands up.

"Good girl," I praise, watching her with burning need as she bends over the couch and sticks out her backside just right.

Christ, she has such a sexy, perfect ass!

Bella turns her head around and looks at me pleadingly. "Please Edward, please."

"Please, what? What do you want, baby?" I admire her nice round ass a little longer, then stand up and position right in front of her.

Teasingly slow, I caress her rear with my hands and inch my way down to her drenched opening.

"I love your pretty pussy, my love." I whisper, taking my index finger and gliding it over her folds. Bella moans deeply and parts her thighs wider.

"Mmm, that's perfect. You are simply exquisite, my beautiful." I get down on my knees and stare at her glistening center before stroking her walls with two fingers.

Bella quivers wildly and buries her face against the sofa cushion. "Oh, Eddie, yes! Keep touching me…I'm so wet for you."

I rub her clit harder and grunt as my dick twitches painfully. I have to be back inside her very soon, before I explode!

Slowly, I insert my fingers knuckle deep inside her. "Touch you? I want to do more than that, Bella. I want to taste you."

Eagerly, I bury my face right between her parted legs and gently swipe her folds with my tongue. Bella's whimpering pushes me to fuck her pussy rougher with my fingers as I consume her wetness. Jesus, she tastes so sweet! Simultaneously, I lick, suck, and stroke her, relishing the way she's responding to me.

"Only I can make you feel this good, baby."

"Yes, only you, Eddie. Fuck, yes!" she bellows, her voice breathless and etched with desire.

Just as Bella's body convulsed, I quickly stand and position myself in front of her entrance. Then, without warning, I slam my cock all the way inside her. Bella screams in pleasure and I groan, aroused by her slick heat.

This time won't be gentle and sweet like how we usually make love. I just want to fuck her good and hard. I have a feeling that is what my beautiful woman desires as well.

"Oh Edward, fuck me! Fuck me, hard!" Bella chants as I firmly clutch onto her hips and thrust in and out of her fast.

As our bodies are uniting ardently, I lean over, inch my face closer to Bella's and tangle my lips with hers. We kiss until we're out of breath and then Bella climaxes again, her pussy juices coating over my dick.

"Fuck, oh Bella!" I moan and finally, I come. My entire body trembles in head-spinning rapture as I spill my seed deep within her walls.

After we calm down from our gratifying high, I delicately kiss Bella's lower back and she sighs in contentment.

"I love you." She gasps tenderly.

"I love you too my beautiful, forever. You will always have my heart."

Gingerly, I pull out of her and help Bella onto her feet. I wrap my biceps around her and gaze deeply at her face. She's positively glowing, her expression filled with love as her browns glisten in happiness.

Clearing her throat, Bella shakes her head and sighs. "Wow, that was, um…"

I laugh, nodding in agreement and pull her tighter to my chest. "Incredible, as always."

If only we could truly be together all the time, without having to hide. My heart clenches over the sad thought.

"Yea, incredible." Bella concurs and cups my face with her soft hands. "You are everything to me, Edward Anthony Cullen. You know that, don't you?"

I nod my head slowly as my throat tightens. "You're the reason my life is worth living."

Bella rises up on her tiptoes and brushes her lips warmly over mine. "Same here, Eddie."

*****IO*****

I love this part just as much as the lovemaking itself, holding Bella in my arms with her head resting on my chest. I wish this tender, blissful moment would last. Unfortunately, it won't. It can't.

Shortly, we will have to say our good-byes. Our time together is always too brief. A hard lump wedges in the middle of my throat and I swallow hard, fighting back tears. Exhaling slowly, I caress her smooth back with my fingertips. I commit the way she feels to my memory; it will be a while before we reunite again.

That's the way it has to be.

Carefully, Bella pulls away from my chest, gazing into my eyes. "I'm sorry about the way I acted before."

My brows furrow in concern as I study her face. "It's alright, baby. I was worried though. What was wrong?"

Bella shakes her head and sighs, "I just…had a stressful day. It doesn't matter now. I'm glad you came by, even though you have plans with Irina. Eddie, I'm sor-"

I place my finger against her lips, giving her a reassuring look. "Shh, it's alright. I wanted to be here, I missed you."

"I missed you too,"

Her lips meet mine for a gentle, tender kiss.

"I wish you could stay the night." Bella murmurs as she draws invisible circles across my chest.

I sigh somberly and place a light kiss on the top of her head. "So do I, but you know that's not possible. So, when are you expecting him to return home from work?"

Her fingers continue stroking my skin and a pleasant shiver glides down my spine. "He is out of town, actually. His plane lands in a couple of hours."

I roll my eyes and shake my head lividly. Of course, he's away on a business trip. Surprise, surprise.

As I'm about to make a snide comment, she firmly says, "I know what you're thinking, what you're about to say. Don't. Don't ruin the rest of our time together, please."

Me, ruin it? She's right though, I shouldn't have brought him up.

Frankly, I don't care to discuss him any further. This is our time, about us, only us.

Only us.

This moment might be a good time as any to…

Suddenly and without thinking twice, two words slip out of my lips.

"Marry me, Bella."

*****IO*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: * Uses a pillow as a shield* Yes, another cliffy! Aren't I evil? Forgive me? So, um... yeah I am very sure most of you are thinking: Why Edward? How dumb is he to ask Bella to marry him when she is already married? Well, obviously, Edward wasn't thinking clearly, lol. Anyhow, you guys will find out more in the next chapter! I am sure, too, that most of you caught on that Edward didn't use a condom. In my mind and the way I planned this story out, Bella is on the pill. I didn't want Edward wearing one, that's it. Finally, I am sure all of you are itching to find out more about Edward and Bella's past. Given I left the flashback at a cliffy. The rest will be revealed in a couple of chapters from now, promise! Before I quit yacking, I wanted to share some good news! My story Turning Page is nominated in the Energize WIP Awards for Most Promising Twilight FF story! My beta Serenshadow is nominated too for Most Motivational Beta! Voting begins tomorrow and ends on Nov. 20th. Here's the site address: www dot energizewipawards dot blogspot dot com. I would appreciate your votes very much! Also be sure to vote for all of the other talented authors, betas, and reviewers who are nominated as well!
> 
> **Alright, that's it for now. See you all next week! Feel free to leave me review loving but please be gentle, haa. Remember I am on Twitter if you would like to follow me: Vampgirl792011. I have a FB group too where we discuss my stories, I would love it if you would join! Its called Vampgirl79 Fanfiction. Oh and just a reminder you can find my stories on these following sites: FictionPad, The Writers Coffee Shop, and A03. Till next time, thank you for reading! XO


	5. Goodbye's and Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi lovelies! *bows head in guilt* I am SO sorry for the update delay :( But I am sure all of you can understand with the holidays, things in my life have been busy! Anyhow, again my apologies. I hope this longish chapter will make up for it :) I feel I should warn you guys again, that this is an angsty one and for about 3 chapters from here on, things will be gloomy. So if that's not your cup of tea, then I nicely suggest you probably shouldn't continue reading. If you are still giving this a shot, thank you! Okay, I will chat with you more at the end. As always I would like to thank those of you who just added this fic to your alerts and favorites. It means so much!
> 
> ***Disclaimer: Of course it's not mine. All things Twilight are the amazing Stephenie Meyer's! However, this story line, characterizations, etc, are mine though! L.K. 2013
> 
> ***My beta is the loyal and great Serenshadow! Thanks as always bb for your awesome beta skills and support!
> 
> ***Please READ this warning before you continue on! This story contains the subject of infidelity. If you are NOT comfortable reading about it, then I am kindly suggesting you exit now! I am NOT forcing you to read this. For those of you are willing to give this a shot, thank you!***

**If Only**

**Chapter 5: Goodbye's and Promises**

" **Never say goodbye because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."**  


**–Peter Pan**

****EPOV****

This is insane, I just asked a married woman to marry me!

Obviously, I didn't prepare well for this; I didn't even present her with a ring.

I suppose none of that matters, I just need her to say yes.

I need her to finally choose me, choose us.

Bella removes herself from my arms and looks deep in my eyes. "No, Edward. I'm sorry but I can't marry you. Y-you can't just ask me that…it's not fair."

I had a sinking feeling that would be her answer. Maybe I can convince her to consider the idea of leaving Riley.  _You have, several times over the last few months._

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I continue setting myself up for heartbreak over and over again? I'm a fool who is madly in love that's why. I believe in us, I believe with all of my heart that we can build a future together. If only she wasn't so damn scared and he didn't have such a fucking hold on her!

Stroking her thick hair, I sigh quietly. "You're right, maybe it's not fair. But, it's also not fair to keep doing this to each other, to them. So…go away with me, Bella. Tonight. I'll help you pack some of your belongings and-"

She shakes her head and the torn expression etched on her face rips my heart in half. "Eddie, I wish I could, more than anything, but-"

"No, no excuses this time. Let's do it. We will go anywhere you desire, as long as we're together."

Bella takes a deep breath, lays her head down on my chest and I feel a single tear slip out of her eye. "Edward, stop. Please, just don't."

Gently, I cradle her face between my hands, forcing her to meet my gaze. "Bella, I love you more thanmy own life, more than anyone else in this world. You know that, don't you?"

She nods as more wetness releases out of her eyes and glides down her rosy cheeks. "Yes, of courseI do. And I love you too."

"Then that's all that matters. Let's just quit thinking and just…do."

Bella and I can make this work somehow. We can do this; we have to. I can't go another day being without her. All the sneaking around has taken a toll on the both of us.

A piercing, vibrating sound interrupts our short moment of silence. My eyes land on my pants where there lay on the floor.

"I think that's for you." Bella mutters sourly. She clears her throat and springs off the sofa, "You better get going. I've already kept you long enough."

I reach out for her and gently grab her wrist before she can walk away.

"What are you doing?"

Avoiding my gaze, she looks down at her feet and mumbles, "I'm going to put my robe on…and you are leaving."

"No, I'm not." Carefully, my hands clutch her waist and I spin her around to face me. "I need you, baby. Please."

Bella wipes her tear stained face and frowns sorrowfully. "Edward, no. Don't make this harder on us than it already is. You need to leave."

She and I damn well know she doesn't want me to go. I've lost count of how many times Bella has said that same thing before. I don't understand why she does; she never means it.

I pull her close and she climbs on top of me, straddling my lap. Immediately, I attack her neck with mymouth, kissing her skin ardently.

"Edward," Bella gasps as she sways her hips back and forth.

Goddamn it, I'm hard again, aching to feel her wet heat slide over my length.

"I love you, so damn much. Always, my beautiful treasure." I whisper in her ear, softly sucking on her lobe.

Bella moans in pleasure and rocks her body faster. "I love you more, Eddie."

My lips capture hers in an urgent, fiery kiss and my hands begin exploring her beautiful body again.

Soon we're no longer on the couch and inside the guest room. I take the lead this time making slow, tender love to her.

As I move in and out of her tenderly, I tell Bella how much I love her, how she means everything to me and that she will be the only woman who will forever possess my heart.

I want this precious time to last. For some reason I have a feeling it may be our last for a while.

If only she were mine, truly mine.

At least behind closed doors, she is, and I am hers. Only hers.

*****IO*****

"Well, handsome," Bella says sweetly as she unlocks the front door and turns to face me. "Take care of yourself. I'll call you soon, promise."

Stretching up on her tiptoes, she curls her arms around my neck and kisses me chastely.

She's promised that before and I end up waiting months for her call. This can't keep going. I want to wake up beside her in the morning and hold her in my arms late at night. I want her all the time. Not in secret. Not every other month or so. I need more. Doesn't she want the same?

I take a step back and exhale sharply, blurting out the words before I can stop myself. "I can't…I don't think I can do this anymore, Bella. It's only hurting us."

I can't look at her straight in the eyes; if I do, she'll know I was bluffing.

"When have I heard that before, Cullen?" Bella teases with a hint of concern in her tone. "We're unable to stay away from each other. It's impossible and you know it."

Fuck, why did she say that!  _Because it's true, don't deny it!_

"Dammit Bella, you're not listening! I think its best if we-"

My cell vibrates repeatedly inside my pocket and my heart plummets to my stomach.

It's Irina, again.

Great job, asshole! She's probably worried sick, thinking that I've forgotten our special plans. I have to hurry the hell out of here. I won't let her down. I owe her tonight, I promised her.

"You better go, she wants you." Bella whispers, a trace of resentment clear in her voice.

She is the other woman; she has no right being jealous and spiteful of Irina. I cringe and shake my head ruefully over the thought.

As I reach over and lightly stroke Bella's cheek with my hand, a burning ache strikes my chest. "I'm sorry baby, so sorry. I meant what I said; we shouldn't do this to each other, to them...not anymore."

I close the space between us and place a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I, I have to go. Good-bye, Bella."

"But, you…you proposed! You asked me to run away with you and-"

"I did, but you refused and I just don't want to be your second choice anymore."

Bella shakes her head, her bottom lip quivering as tears slip out of her eyes. "That's not true, Eddie. You aren't my second choice. I love you. Please, don't do this. Please."

It's incredibly tempting to give in, to wrap my arms around her, and tell her I didn't mean it. The last thing I want to do is hurt her. But, she needs to figure things out; she needs to finally make a choice.

Sucking in a deep breath, I hastily open the door and nearly fall apart when Bella murmurs, "You'll be back. You don't mean this…Eddie-"

"No. I won't be back, Bella."

The bleak tone in my voice captures her attention and Bella clutches onto my forearm. "Y-you really mean it this time, don't you?"

I steal a glance behind my shoulder and our eyes meet. The desperation and anguish written on her face guts me. Nevertheless, I remove her hand from my arm and walk right out the door.

"I'm sorry, deeply sorry, my beautiful. I think…we need some time. I need time to think."

I wait for a few moments to see if maybe just maybe she will try to stop me from leaving. Hoping she will say the words I've longed to hear. Wetness stings my eyes as I realize she hasn't taken a single step or said anything.

My heart weighs heavier with each step I take towards my car. Moments later as I'm backing out of Bella's driveway, I catch a glimpse of her. She's watching me with a devastated look on her face as tears flow down her eyes.

I didn't want this. I truly didn't, but I had to do this for her. All I have ever wanted was for her to be happy. So, I need to let her go, let her continue on with her life with him; the bastard I resent and always will. He has her and I never fully will.

Dear God, what have I done? I should turn the car back around and go to her. No, I can't! I have to quit thinking about Bella and focus on the woman I am going home to and make it up to her.

_Make it up to her? You've already done enough damage; it's too late to do right by Irina!_  Jesus, I am a despicable human being. Irina deserves better!

During the rest of the drive home, thoughts of Bella haunt my mind. I wish things were different.

If only I had the chance to turn back time.

*****IO*****

**12:20 a.m.**

Irina is sound asleep and I'm tossing and turning on the bed, thanks to my brain keeping me wide-awake.

I hope it was a memorable evening for her, even though we arrived at the restaurant nearly a half an hour late. Surprisingly, my being late didn't entirely ruin her mood. Well, she felt better after yelling at me the minute I walked in the door. I let her vent and then I apologized for being a dick, lying that work was the reason for my tardiness. At dinner, Irina beamed about her promotion, chatting away about what her new responsibilities will be and I listened attentively as a good boyfriend should.

Good boyfriend, I am anything but!

I twist my head around and stare forlornly at her face. Why haven't I come clean to her about my affair with Bella and broke things off with her, as I should have long ago?

Why am I incapable of loving her the way she's worthy of? Irina is an amazing, generous woman. Any man would be lucky to have her. However, I have her and I don't feel any deep affection for her, not the way I used to. I mean, I love and care about her. But, I'm not  _in love_  with her.

Christ, how did I allow things to get so out of hand?

"I'm sorry Iri," I murmur sadly under my breath.

Sighing, I reach for my phone that's lying on the nightstand.  _Oh, you don't you dare! Why are you even contemplating it?_

I can't help myself. Damn me to hell, I miss Bella already.  _Have you forgotten what you told her last night?_

No, I haven't. But, I'm weak and incapable of keeping my word. Ever since she came back in my life, it has been impossible to stay away from her.

Quickly, I snatch my cell off the table and slip out of the bed. I walk out of the bedroom and head over to the study. Once inside, I shut the door, stroll to my desk, and sit down on the leather chair.

What are you doing Cullen for fucks sakes?

I glare at my phone for a long minute, then I pull up the contacts list and find Bella's name. Before I change my mind, I shoot her a quick text.

_E: Hey, are you still awake?_

A minute passes by before my phone buzzes. Nervously, I read her response.

_B: Just barely. I'm glad to hear from you, I've been thinking about you ever since you left earlier... Wait, I'm confused. I thought you ended things between us. You said you needed time to think._

_E: Yes, I did and I thought I needed time. However, you were right. After all that we've been through, I just can't shut you out of my life._

I press the send button and wait impatiently for her reply. My heart skips a beat when the phone in my hand shakes and my eyes anxiously read the words.

_B: I'm so sorry about before, I shouldn't have let you leave like that. I'm grateful you changed your mind, Eddie. I need you in my life. I can't be without you._

That's all I needed to know, her reassurance for what she feels for me.

I sigh in relief and hurriedly type on the screen _._

_E: Baby, it's all right. I know you didn't mean to. I can't be without you either. I meant what I asked you last night, Bella. I want you to marry me. We can do this. All you have to do is pack your things and I'll set up the arrangements._

_Have you completely lost your mind Cullen? How stupid are you? What about the life that you built here? What about Irina, your family? You can't hurt them like this!_

I can't think about them right now. If I do, I might actually tell Bella to stay out of my life and mean it this time. That is something I don't want to do, ever. I'm too selfish. I want us to have a chance at being together again.

I receive another incoming message alert and I worriedly view it.

_B: It's just that simple to you, isn't it? To pack up some suitcases and just flee the country? To leave everything and everyone behind? I mean, I wish it were. I wish we could just be together without any cares in the world._

I pinch the bridge of my nose and groan deeply. Of course, it's not simple! We would hurt people that we care for. But, at this rate I can't fret over that. I just finally want her to myself. I want us to begin a new life with each other.  _And to hell with who you hurt, right?_

A question that I occasionally ask Bella crosses my mind. I've never gotten a straight answer out of her; perhaps it will be different when I ask her this time.

_E: Let me ask you something I've asked before, Bella. Are you happy? Truly happy with your life right now?_

My chest tightens when her answer came much too fast.

_B: Of course, I'm happy! Why do you always ask me this?_

She's lying. When I had asked her that very question before face to face, I noticed the pain and sorrow in her eyes. I don't understand her. She knows she can tell me anything, there is no need for her to lie to me. So, why is she fooling herself?

_E: But, are you happy with him, Bella? Are you in love with him, the way you love me?_

I start to grow concerned after a full two minutes pass and she still hasn't replied to my last text. Then, finally, my cell alerts me.

_B: What do you want me to say, Edward, that I'm fucking miserable with my life? With him?_

Goddammit it, why can't she just be honest with me!

_E: I want you to be honest with yourself Bella, with me. Why do you call me, run to me, desire me if things are so great with him?_

Jesus that was a fucked up thing to say! A part of me wishes I could take it back. I know why Bella won't leave Riley; I know that things between them have been downhill for a long time. I don't mean to hurt her but she needs to face the truth! She can't stay married to him out of guilt or obligation. It'swrong for her and frankly, for him as well.

_B: Eddie, how could you say such a thing? You know I can't leave him…what if he…I can't hurt him._

A surge of anger hits me and I rapidly type up my response and send it, without thinking twice.

_E: What about me, Bella? Don't you fucking care that you are hurting me, too?_

A lump emerges in the center of my throat and I swallow hard, struggling to keep the tears at bay. Ihate doing this with her. I don't want us to fight; lord knows we have too many times in the past.

_B: Of course I care, Eddie! It kills me…you have no idea how much I hate myself for all the suffering you have endured because of me._

Wistful, I inhale sharply and shake my head. I don't want her to hate herself. I just want her to end the marriage she's no longer content in. We have to stop believing that we can make things work with them. I want us to quit sneaking around and being deceitful.

_E: Beautiful, don't hate yourself. This isn't all on just you. I agreed to this also; remember? I knew what I was getting myself into when we began having this affair. But, haven't you asked yourself, how much longer we can keep going through with this?_

A lengthy, torturous minute later, my phone buzzed.

_B: I know this is on the both of us and yes, I have asked myself that. I do every time we're together. I get so scared thinking that the next time I see you may be the last or that we'll finally get caught…Iknow we can't keep doing this forever._

_E: No, we can't. So, that brings us back to what I asked you before, are you happy with him? What do you want, Bella?_

_B: No, I'm not. I mean, I try to be. I try so hard to be the woman he needs, to be the good, loving wife everyone thinks I am. It's mostly pretend. It's been this way for too long now. It's so damn hard._

As I read, a light layer of tears coat my eyes.

_B: What do I want? You, Edward. Everyday I think about you, long to be with you. When we're not together, I miss you so damn much it hurts._

Taking a deep breath, I run my fingers through my hair. My heart drops as her words sink in. I hate that she is so miserable. I hate that we got ourselves into this situation.

I should do the right thing and stay away from her so that she could work things out with him.  _No, you should keep fighting for her!_  I'm trying but I need her to fight for us too.

_E: If you really meant everything you said, then do what it takes to be with me. Just say the words, sweetheart._

_B: I can't. I'm sorry, Eddie. I have to go. I'll be in touch soon._

Dammit, I fucked up! Just when I was so close to getting through to her, she pulls back. I don't want toend this discussion with her being sad and upset. I have to set things right.

_E: No, wait! Don't go yet, please._

_B: Edward, I really have to go. Goodnight._

Shit! Is he awake? Did he catch her texting me? I sure hope not! I won't be able to get any sleep though until I know she is all right. I'm about to take a huge risk here, but I need to hear her voice.

It takes until the fifth ring for Bella to pick up.

"Eddie, what are you doing calling me? Are you crazy?" She snaps in a hoarse whisper.

"I'm sorry. I just had to hear your voice. I won't be able to sleep unless I know we're okay."

Bella exhales softly in my ear. "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to blow up at you like that. I'm actually glad you called."

I close my eyes briefly as fatigue sets in; I'm exhausted. It's been a long, eventful day and some rest would do me wonders. I wish I were with Bella so we could sleep in each other's arms.

"You aren't upset with me, are you?"

She's silent for a minute and then she responds, "No, definitely not. Why would I be? You were right, about all of it. I'm angry with myself. Listen, I don't want to Eddie, but I really should hang up. Just in case."

Stupidly, I utter out, "Don't go. Let him find you talking to me. He needs to know about us."

"What the hell is the matter with you?" Bella yells quietly. "Okay, I'm hanging up now. Call me when you have some common sense."

What's the matter with  _me_?

I sigh and settle down my nerves before speaking again. "No, no baby, don't hang up. Listen, I apologize, that was insensitive. It's just…it's becoming more and more difficult seeing you every couple of months."

"Don't you think that it's hard for me, too?"

"I know it is beautiful, I know. Just, please give everything we discussed some thought. Really think about it Bella, please."

Her breathing is all I heard on the other end of the line and my stomach twists in worry. God, help her through this. She has to choose me; I won't lose her again.

Bella stifles a yawn and clears her throat. "I will. I promise."

"Alright, I'll let you get some sleep. Text me tomorrow. Maybe we can meet for dinner?"

"I'll try to, Eddie. Goodnight."

"Good night my beautiful, sleep well. I love you." A smile tugs on my lips as I reflect about our passionate lovemaking last night. I hope that she will think things through and I'll hear from her later today.

"I love you too, never forget that." She whispers sleepily, a hint of finality in her tone.

"I won't. Night, beautiful. I-"

She ends the call before I had the chance to tell her I love her again.

I feel more at ease when I lie my head down on the pillow moments later. As my eyelids start to droop, a tinge of dread assails my heart. For some reason, those last words Bella had said to me aren't sitting well with me.

Thinking I'm just paranoid, I push those feelings aside and allow myself to fall in a deep, peaceful sleep.

*****IO*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi...still with me? *gulps* Yes, I realized that I left this at sort of another cliffy. Sorry ;( I will try prepare myself for the Bella lashing, maybe some Edward too. I have a feeling there will be quite a bit. I understand though, they are both a mess! Please try to go easy on me though, okay? Haa. I really love this story very much and yes even though my characters probably deserve the verbal lashing, I am a bit sensitive because I work so hard on this. I just hope you will hang on with me and this story till the end! Which by the way, this story is about half way done already. There will be about 4 more chapters left I believe. As I mentioned before, most of the story is prewritten. The next chapter will be another flashback chapter, picking up where Edward had seen Bella on the street back in chapter 3. Yes, we will go back to that day, and some of your questions will be answered. I'm hoping once you guys read that flashback chapter, maybe you will have a better understanding of things. Remember, this isn't a story where Edward and Bella can just drop everything, be together, and live happily ever after easily. Don't worry though, I am a HEA gal!
> 
> So, any guesses as to what happens next? I really would love to read your thoughts, please. It does drive me to keep going. And I'll be honest, the reason this update also took long was because I was scared to post it. I have been in this funk lately, worrying this story isn't doing so well and I'm down about my writing. So, it would make me happy to hear from you and know you are enjoying this, even though its a gloomy fic. Okay, thats it out of me! Thank you so much for reading, I truly appreciate it! You can follow me on Twitter if you like: Vampgirl792011. I am also on FB, I have a like page called Vampgirl79 Fanfiction and I have a FB group with that same name. I will try my hardest to have the next update posted in a week and won't make you all wait too long! Until next time, again thank you for reading and reviewing! Happy Holidays! XO, Leslie
> 
> P.S. One last thing...I have been nominated for a few awards over at Fandom Choice Awards! If Only is nominated for Best Quote and my fics, About that Night, Beautifully Broken and For Eternity are nominated too! I would appreciate your votes so much! You have until Jan. 3rd to vote! My lovely beta Serenshadow is up for an award too, for Best Editing. If you like to vote for me and for all of your other fav authors, stories, etc. Go to Fandom Choice Awards dot com. Click on the Nominations tab and it will direct you to vote. Thanks so much!


	6. Almost Is Never Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Hi my lovelies! *Gives my dear readers a very apologetic look* Wow, I cant believe its been over two months since I last updated. Yikes! I feel so terrible and I am very sorry. I didn't mean for such a long time to go by. *sighs* But, well, the holidays kept me really busy, as well as life, meaning writing had to take a back seat :( Then, when I had the time to write, I wasn't too happy with the original version of this chapter. It was nearly completed and after reading it several times and brainstorming, I wanted to it change a bit. Once I did, I ended up getting sick with the flu and yada, yada. Enough with the excuses, again I'm sorry for the delay. I hope the long wait will be worth it,*gulps* I am nervous about this chapter. Just remember I did warn you all in the last update that its going to be a bumpy road for these two from here on out! So, if you are ready...here we go. I'll hold your hand if you hold mine, okay? See you at the bottom!
> 
> ***Disclaimer: Of course, it's not mine. It's Stephenie Meyer's! However, this storyline and characterizations are mine though! L.K. 2014
> 
> ***My beta is the very loyal Serenshadow, without her you would be reading a mess, haa. Thank you hunny for always helping me with your FAB beta skills! I also have to dish out a BIG thank you to my new pre-reader, Payton79! Give her a round of applause, she really helped me with this chapter. If it weren't for her encouragement, you all probably wouldn't be reading this! Thank you my dear friend :)
> 
> ***Lastly, I have to add the usual warning: This story contains the subject of infidelity. If you are NOT comfortable reading about it, then I am kindly suggesting you exit now! I am NOT forcing you to read this. Thank you!***

**If Only**

**Chapter 6: Almost Is Never Enough**

" **Waiting for someone you love is never easy. It may even be irrelevant, especially if the one you love isn't aware that you're waiting."**

*****EPOV*****

I haven't seen or heard from Bella in over a month.

And it's been a challenge to keep myself together and to not panic. I mean, this isn't the first time we've lost touch.

However, this time seems different. Something is wrong. I can feel it.

I've lost count of how many times I've texted and called her. I'm still waiting for a response. I'm trying not to think of the worst, but I can't help it, clearly, she's avoiding me.

Maybe things with Bella and Riley are back on track again. If so, then I should be happy for her. But, I'm not. How can I be? Foolishly, I thought she was going to think about the things we discussed the last time we saw each other. She even promised me on the phone that night that she would.

She promised.

And I was a damn idiot for believing her.

These past few weeks were stressful and difficult to say the least. I tried everything possible to get Bella off my mind. I threw myself in my work and came home late every evening so that I would see Irina for only an hour before she turned in for the night. I couldn't bear to look straight in her eyes. It was becoming more and more impossible to pretend. I felt like such a guilty, deceitful bastard. Irina deserves so much better.

One day I finally decided to come clean to her. But, every time I tried to talk to her, I fucking chickened out. Days went by and suddenly, Irina's behavior changed. She became distant and quiet. I panicked, wondering if she had suspicions about my affair, or perhaps she was just as miserable as I was. I wouldn't blame her if she were. To say I've been a shitty boyfriend would be a severe understatement.

I gathered up the courage one evening and questioned her. She assured me all was well and apologized for being busy with her work, leaving her minimal time to focus on us. The entire time she spoke, I knew she was lying. Yet, I didn't call her out on it; I should have at least made an attempt to get her to open up to me. That's what a good boyfriend would have done.

Instead, I was sulking over Bella and waiting for her to reach out to me. How pathetic and fucked up!

Eventually, I decided to make a better effort with Irina and try to be a man worthy of her. After all, it was clear Bella wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I didn't want to give up on her though; a part of me is still holding onto a small thread of hope that she'll come back to me.

Until then, I have to get on with my life. I have to move forward with Irina, without looking back. It's the right thing to do. The least I can do for her. But, why isn't that enough for me? Why can't I be happy with her like I used to be?

*****IO*****

Things have improved significantly between Irina and me. We're both making the effort to spend more time together and honestly, it's been nice. Lately, between work, and being with Irina, my family, and my friends during downtime, I rarely think about Bella. However, I would be lying if I said she doesn't star in my dreams.

It was a long and extremely busy day at work, and I'm hurriedly typing the last few lines of a report. I can't get out of here fast enough. I'm starving and eager to meet Emmett and Jasper at The Winghouse in twenty minutes. Fridays are usually when I meet with them to have a few beers, eat dinner, and discuss our jobs and lives. I don't need to fret about leaving Irina behind at home since she is spending the weekend with her sisters in Vancouver. It's going to be a long three days, and I intend to do everything possible to stay occupied.

Once I finish wrapping things up, I leave the office and head straight for the elevator. Moments later as I'm walking to my car, I feel a vibration inside my pants pocket. Curious, I pull out my cell and glance at the new text message.

Holy shit, it's from Bella!

_**B: Hey handsome. I'm so sorry I lost touch and didn't reply to your texts or called you back. I can explain if you give me a chance. I booked a hotel room for the night. I'm staying at the Westin Seattle on 5** _ _**th** _ _**Ave. If you want, meet me. I'm in room 510. I really would love to see you. XO, B** _

My brows furrow in confusion. I wonder why she reserved a room at a hotel. Unless she and Riley are...

_No, don't even go there! You haven't heard from her in over a month remember? Don't go dropping everything for her as you always do!_

Right, I shouldn't. Besides, I have plans to meet Em and Jazz. They'll probably arrive at the restaurant any minute now.

Nonetheless, I finally heard from her, and she wants to see me. She did apologize. Maybe she has a good reason for her absence.  _Oh good god Cullen, how stupid are you. Think about Irina, things are better than ever with her. Don't screw it up!_

I read Bella's text repeatedly. The longing I feel to hear her voice grows stronger by the minute. I missed her very much. I just have to know if she's all right. Before I change my mind, I call her.

"Hey, Eddie," she greets in an anxious tone, and an awkward moment of silence follows.

I take a deep breath, trying to placate my nerves. "Hi, beautiful, it's good to hear your voice. How are you-,"

"I'm so glad to hear from you." Her voice is guilt-ridden and it tugs my heart. "I didn't think you would call, I mean I didn't expect you to; I wouldn't blame you if you didn't."

"Well, to be honest I did debate over calling you...but then I just had to. I was so worried about you, Bella."

"I know; I'm really sorry." She murmurs ruefully, "I feel like total shit for not returning your texts and calls. So much has been happening; I didn't mean to worry you."

I'm sure she didn't mean to, but I did worry, a lot.

I nod my head, gaze down at my feet, and jam my hand inside my pocket. "It's fine, baby. I'm just fucking relieved to hear from you. Life has been hectic for me as well. So, are you alright?"

"Now I am. And you? I mean, how are you, really? Angry at me I'm sure; you have every right to be."

I hesitate before answering. I want to choose my words carefully. I didn't want to fight with her, but she should know how I feel. "I was...upset, really upset. But now I'm much better."

She breathes a quiet sigh of relief into my ear. Suddenly, I think about her invitation, and my stomach twists in knots. "So, ah, you mentioned that you booked a room over at the Westin."

"Yeah, I did. It's just for the night." Bella says timidly.

"Why? Is everything alright for you at home...with him?" I begin walking again, heading to my car.

Bella inhales sharply and clears her throat. "Well, I just...needed to be out of the house for the night. Riley is out of state for work. Anyway, I would completely understand if you don't want to see me. It's wrong of me to ask, I know. But I really want us to talk. So, do you have any plans with um, Irina for this evening?

"Of course I want to see you, beautiful." I assure her, "Ah, actually, Irina is up in Vancouver visiting her sisters for the weekend." I unlock the driver's side door, climb in, and slam the door closed.

"Oh, okay, well then would you like to-"

"I'd love to see you tonight, I really would. However, I can't. I'm supposed to meet Jazz and Emmett at the Winghouse in like 10 minutes." I frown apologetically, feeling terrible when I hear Bella sigh in disappointment. "Though... I can just call Em up and cancel-"

"Oh, don't do that! You made a commitment with them, I understand. You can come by after if you like."

After? Is she kidding? As much as I want to have a beer with the guys, I want to see Bella more. I don't think I can even wait another couple of hours to see her. I need to hold her in my arms, touch her silky skin, and kiss her sweet lips as soon as possible.

"No, no. I'm heading over to the hotel right now. I was just leaving the office. I can be there in about fifteen minutes." I place the key in the ignition and turn it, revving the engine to life.

"As much as I'm itching to see you Eddie, I can wait. The guys are waiting for you. You can come by later." She sounds convincing, but I know better. The wait would be torturous for her as well.

I shake my head determinedly. "Sweetheart, there's no use in trying to talk me out of it. I'm heading there now. I'll let Emmett know and, I'll just meet with them another day."

Carefully, I back the Volvo, turn it right, and then drive out of the lot. I couldn't get to her fast enough.

"Are you sure?" Bella's tone is remorseful but I don't miss the hint of eagerness to it. "I feel bad for interrupting your-"

"Baby, its fine. I'll see you soon. Can't wait." My heart soars in anticipation as a wide grin parts my lips.

"Me too, I missed you like crazy."

"So did I beautiful, so did I."

"I love you, Edward." She murmurs so affectionately, it warms my chest.

"I love you too." I tell her, my voice filled with emotion. "See you in a few."

I end the call and place the phone back inside my pocket. What the fuck is the matter with me? Just like that I agree to see her? Just like that I forgive her? Of course, I did because I love her, no matter what. I always have, and I always will.

I wait for a red light and then give Emmett a call. I make excuses about working late. Thankfully, Emmett understands but he still gives me a hard time about it just to be a pain in the ass. I promise him that we will try to meet up again next week, and that I'll pay the bill. Naturally, Emmett agrees to my generous offer. I feel like such a dick, not only for canceling on them but also for lying to him, especially under these circumstances.

If he and Jazz knew that their best friend is a cheating, dishonest asshole...

As I drive quickly to the Westin, I worry about what Bella wants to discuss. Will she officially end things with us? Maybe that's why she avoided me for so long. No, I can't think like that. Perhaps she has good news, maybe she's given my proposal and everything we spoke about all those weeks ago some thought. God, I hope so.

A few minutes later, I am optimistic as I arrive at the hotel. Before I exit the car, I steal a glance at the rearview mirror and run my hands through my hair. It's going to be all right. I have a good feeling about this.

Then why do I have this tinge of dread in my chest all of a sudden? Shaking those feelings aside, I open the door, and just as I'm getting out, my cell beeps inside my pants pocket.

I groan, annoyed by the interruption. I should check to see who it is; it might be a text from Bella. My heart sinks and a stab of guilt hits my chest as I read the words on the lit screen.

_**From Irina: Hey handsome, just checking in to see how you are doing. Everyone sends their love. I'm having a great time, but I'm missing you. XXO** _

Light tears fill my eyes, and I shut them tight, willing them away. Dammit, why did she have to text me now?

_Feeling like shit, are you? Good, you should._

I sigh heavily and write a quick reply. I don't want to worry her after all. If she only knew where I am right now and who I'm about to see. Jesus I'm such a despicable bastard.

_**From E: Hey Iri, glad you are having a good time with your family. Send my regards to everyone. Have a good night. Talk to you tomorrow. Miss you too, E** _

_Liar, liar!_  I take a minute to pull myself together and then turn off my phone. I don't want any interruptions during my time with Bella.

"I'm sorry Irina, so sorry." I murmur as I close the car door, lock it, and then head straight for the hotel's entrance.

*****IO*****

"Hello, beautiful," I greet warmly when Bella flings the door wide open. God, she looks even more gorgeous than the last time I laid eyes on her.

Bella's eyes light up as she beams happily. "Edward!"

She excitedly circles her arms around my neck, and I wrap mine around her waist, pulling her body close to mine. I take a moment to breathe in her scent, sighing in contentment. God, it feels so good to be back in her arms, to see her, touch her.

"I missed you very much Eddie. And I'm sorry, so sorry for everything." She whispers, her voice laced with sorrow.

"Shh, its okay baby. I know you are." I console her, tightening my grip and kissing the top of her head. "We're together now, that's all that counts."

Gingerly, I pull back and gaze intently into her water filled browns. "Hey, don't cry, sweetheart. I want tonight to be only about us and nothing else, okay?"

Bella nods, leaning her face into my hand as I tenderly stroke her skin. "I want that too, Edward. Listen, we need to talk. There are some things I have to say to you."

No, no talking. I don't want to deal with the umpteenth amount of issues we have right now. I just want to show her how much I missed her.

Breaking free from our embrace, I turn and shut the door. My hands then grab a hold of her hips, and I lower my head, attacking her throat with my mouth. Bella moans lustfully, clutching my forearms, and throws her head back. Swiftly, I press her back against the wall and kiss her neck, flicking out my tongue to taste her skin.

"I missed kissing you and tasting you, so much." I murmur hungrily as I slowly lick her clavicle.

"Oh, oh yes. Oh god, Edward." She moans breathlessly, gripping my hair roughly with her hands and tugging the strands.

"I want you, Isabella. On the bed. Now," I growl under my breath as my lips leave trails of heat down the center of her chest.

Bella circles her hips as her hands slide down my neck before squeezing my shoulders hard. "Edward, wait-"

As I reach behind her back to unzip her dress, Bella shakes her head fiercely and gently pushes me away. I throw her a bewildered gaze and she waves her hands back and forth.

"No, I...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I mean, I can't do this. There are some things I really need to tell you."

I open my mouth to protest, then close it the instant I spot a serious look in her eyes. Shit, this isn't good.

I nod my head stiffly and clear my throat. "Alright then, let's have a seat."

Taking her hand in mine, I lead the way towards the enormous, inviting bed. Once we sit down, Bella glances at our joined hands wistfully. "So, um, are you thirsty, or hungry? I can order us some room service."

Though I'm quite starving, eating is the furthest thing on my mind right now.

I shake my head no, reach over, and lift up Bella's chin with my hand. "Bella, baby, what's the matter?"

Taking a deep breath, she removes her hand from mine and leaps off the bed. Bella slowly saunters towards the window and stares at the view below, appearing lost in her thoughts. Her silence is nearly driving me mad. What is running through that pretty head of hers? Then, it dawns on me. She wants to tell me something, and it seems urgent. Could it be that she is...

"Are you pregnant? Is that what you wanted to tell me?" I blurt out. The possibility that she might be is exciting and frightening.

The more I think about it, there's a slight chance that Bella may very well be pregnant. Even though she is on the pill, we take a huge, irresponsible risk every time we sleep together. If she is, the child could very well be mine, or his. I shudder over the thought, and my heart tightens painfully.

"No, I'm not." Bella finally answers, snapping me back to earth. She tilts her head sideways and folds her arms over her chest. "What made you think that I was?"

Her eyes land on mine, and I sigh as I rub my hands over my thighs anxiously. "I don't know. I just...well when you said we needed to talk I just assumed...never mind."

A sad expression crosses Bella's face; she then turns her back to me and faces the window again. "I wish we could have a family together. I would love that, more than anything."

"We can have one, beautiful." I rise off the bed and walk to where she's standing. "I still want to marry you. I still want to be with you, really be with you. I want us to build a life with each other-"

Bella shakes her head vehemently and spins around to look at me. Her eyes are swimming in wetness, and it shatters my heart in two.

"Bella, come on. No need to cry, please." Closing the slight gap between us, I try to envelope my arms around her, but Bella takes a step back.

I look at her in defeat, her rejection breaking my heart even further. Suddenly, Bella's face crumbles as tears slip out of her eyes. "I'm sorry, Eddie," she sobs quietly, her voice laced with anguish. "So deeply sorry."

"For what sweetheart? You're starting to scare the hell out of me, what's going on?"

I'm completely numb from the neck down. My heart is thumping so violently, I fear it might burst right out of my chest. This seems too painfully familiar. Dear god, please don't let her say what I think she's going to say.

Bella exhales, wiping her tear-stained cheeks with her hands. "I've been doing a lot of thinking this past month, about us and about Riley. Do you remember the last time we saw each other, and you said we couldn't keep doing what we're doing anymore, that we shouldn't continue hurting each other and them?"

I have a sinking feeling where she is heading with this. Lord, let me be wrong. She can't do this to me, not again.

I simply nod in response, too apprehensive to speak as she continues, "Well... you were right."

No, no, no Bella! Don't say it...

"We can't do this anymore. Eddie, I can't...see you anymore."

...

*****IO*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: (I'm very tempted to run, in fear of some of my readers coming after me with pitch forks) JK! Actually, I have a feeling many of you will want to go after Bella with pitch forks instead of me. Well, I did warn you all from the beginning this is an angst story. In order to get to the happily ever after, a lot of drama has to go down first. This is how I envisioned it when I first thought of this story and I am sticking to it. I will not change it. I mean, I never said they were innocent or perfect. When I thought of this story, I wanted it to be as pretty real as it gets. Anyhow, I am sure many of you are disappointed, livid at Bella, and maybe pissed at Edward too. Believe me, I get it. I would probably be livid too if I were in your place. I realize I am still leaving you all hanging, as many of your questions haven't been answered yet. I'm sure many of you are wondering why is Bella doing this? What is her story with Riley? All I can say is I promise that many things will finally be revealed soon, your questions will be answered! Remember, awhile back, I mentioned a flashback chapter will be coming up soon? It will, picking up when Edward bumped into Bella at the street at the end of chapter 3. That will be coming up in a couple of chapters from now, and hopefully, things will make more sense for some of you.
> 
> My apologies for leaving you with a little cliffy there, especially after taking two months to post this ;( I have good news though, the next chapter is just about finished, I swear! I am going as fast as I can to wrap it up. No matter what it will post soon, I wont leave you all hanging for two months again, especially after the way this chapter ended. I hope many of you will still be around to read it though. *bites nails nervously* Before I say adios, I want to say a few more things. First, for those of you who may not know, If Only won 1st place for Best Quote in the 2014 Fandom Choice Awards! I'm still so happy about this and I cant thank you all enough who voted for me! It means so very much! Next, I want to thank all of you for reading, adding this story to your favs and alerts, for your reviews, and for being such great, patient readers! It really does push me to keep writing! Alright, that's it for now. Don't forget, you can follow me on Twitter: Vampgirl792011, I also have a FB like page: Vampgirl79 Fanfiction and a group on FB too! Till next time, feel free to leave me your thoughts :) I do reply to each review, unless you sign in as a guest! Thanks for reading, XXO, Leslie
> 
> P.S. As a treat, here's a little teaser for the next chapter...
> 
> "You feel incredible, beautiful." Slowly, I pull out, open my eyes and notice her browns are lingering on my face. The way she's looking at me brings tears to my eyes.
> 
> "So do you, Edward," She murmurs under her breath as she rests her hands on my cheeks.
> 
> Gazing at her intently, lovingly, I whisper, "You own my heart. I am forever yours, Isabella."
> 
> Gently, I insert my length back inside her slick walls and we both groan in pleasure.
> 
> ***See you soon! XXO


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